‘We get mad at each other 10 times a day’- Olu and Joke Jacobs

 

How they met:
Joke Silva: I met him at the National Theatre while we were rehearsing for Jero’s
Metamorphosis by Professor Wole Soyinka in 1981. I was to play Sister
Rubeka  and he was playing the role of Prophet Jero and, at the same time
co-directing the play. That was where we met. Our first meeting, if I could remember vividly…I went to call Miss Ene (the creative director) they were in a production
meeting, and, when I entered the office, the first thing he uttered was, “This
is the woman I am going to marry.”

When I left the office, I said to
myself, `How can anybody say it just like that?’ He  always insisted that
I eyed him every now and then. We started out as very good friends. Four years
later  we got married. We met in 1981 and married in 1985.

Olu
Jacobs:…I had
some girl friends but not more than one at a time before I met my wife.
Unfortunately, they lacked the qualities I wanted in a woman at that time…it was the case of love at first sight. Our story runs like a novel. We
were doing a production meeting for Jero’s Metamorphosis at National Theatre,
Iganmu. I was playing Brother Jero and, at the same time, co-directing the
play. Suddenly, the door opened and the lady came in, I looked at her and said,
‘Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the woman I am going to marry’.  She just
looked at me up and down and left.

Four years later, we got married.
That was how sure I was when I saw her and I have never been that kind of sure
in my life. I’m not an extrovert when it comes to that. I keep my relationship
quiet. But that was how I saw it at the moment when I saw her.

Attraction
Joke: He had a lovely sense of humour. He was also very passionate about his work.
Additionally, he had a very broad shoulder and a very lean body like that of our
last child. Basically, the attraction was his sense of fun and style. He really
had, and still has a sense of style. You can never find Olu dressed shabbily,
it’s not him. I remember the early years of our marriage, after 1993, things
got rough with us, after pumping all our money into an investment.

We used to work ourselves to the
bone. And it used to upset us that we couldn’t dress the way we liked to. But
there were responsibilities to take care of. That was an attraction as well;
his sense of style, honesty and high integrity.

Olu: I saw a woman, somebody who stunned me. There was  no explanation, I
looked at her and she was just the kind of woman I wanted. I saw her and she
was just it and I said, ‘This is the lady I ‘m going to marry.’ After that
time, I didn’t see any other girl friend apart from her. And since we got
married, it has been same.

 

What  kept marriage going
Joke: Friendship. We are each other’s very close friend. It’s not as if we don’t have
close friends outside our marriage, but I think we are both each other’s number
one close friend. The other thing is mutual respect, the fact that we both
share the same passion about the area of entertainment that we are in. Of
course, the various challenges that we’ve faced over the years , we’ve learnt
how to surmount them together. At different times when it is necessary, we have
both learnt to forgive each other. I guess the sum total of what I’m saying is
that God’s grace has been present in our marriage.

Olu: She used to keep things in mind, I never realised this on time. When you think
everything has been forgotten, all of a sudden she reminds you of it. At first,
I used to be very upset, and then I realised that I used to be like that…My wife is
very generous, very kind and caring. If you’re having a problem, she’ll listen
and take it up as her own. If you need something and she has it, she’ll give it
to you.

I’m very happy with her and she’s my
best friend. When you have a friend at home, you want to go home. Wherever you
are, you want to finish whatever you are doing and go home. The home is
attractive to you and that’s the kind of person she is. Sometimes, when we are
working separately, we try to always be on phone with each other two to three
times a day. If it is possible on our way to branch and say ‘hi’, have a cup of
tea together which we do sometimes and spend the night. Then the next day,
she’s off to her station and I’m off to mine. We keep in touch.

Key factor for successful marriage
Joke: There has been the contribution of family and friends. We don’t have that many
friends really, but the ones we have  are like family, they are very close
to us. They’ve been with us from day one.  Our families too have been very
supportive, especially, when the children were younger and we had to work. It
was easy to take the children to family members while we went about what it was
necessary for us to do , knowing fully well that the children were in good
hands.

Also we had very challenging times,;
I’ll never forget a time, I don’t even know what it was that caused the
quarrel, it was a long time ago, and I got so upset. I just packed all my
things, took the children with me in the car and drove off and went to my mum.
That same day, I came back, my mother drove me back. (laughs). They are both so
close, my husband and my mum.

A lot of times when people see
the  two of them together, they think she is his mother. Unfortunately, by
the time we got married, his mum had passed away, so his late sister was like
my mother-in-law. And she was just an absolute gem, she used to call me ‘Olori’
which means ‘Queen’. She had this wonderful way of making me feel
extra-special. My sister-in-law never allowed anyone to oppress me. Our
families are always so positive, so encouraging….. One good thing about both
families is that whenever there is  a need, everybody rises. That’s how we
are.

Causes of break-up of marriages
I wouldn’t dare say that I can talk about that, I can’t; because I know that
what I have is God’s grace. It would be arrogant to say this is what caused the
break up of this person’s marriage. I’m not walking in their shoes. All I can
say is that there are things that happen that can break up marriages, but if
you can pray for strength to weather those storms and usually when these storms
are happening, it’s because there is something good, there is a contention…If you’re being physically or
mentally abused in a marriage, to be honest, for me, I’d go for separation.
Then, we go for counselling and see if the union can continue. With a lot of
prayers, it usually does come together. But for me to say this is why marriages
break up, I can’t.

 

Intimacy in marriage
I don’t think it’s possible for you to have marriage without intimacy, because
if there’s no intimacy, why bother with marriage? Most people think intimacy
means just sex, there’s more to it than that. There’s a meeting of minds,
there’s that bonding. Sometime ago, I used to tell him (my husband)  that
‘one of the reasons why I find that I can’t leave you is that the next morning,
I’m likely to call to find out how you are’.

There is just this closeness. I
really don’t think marriage is possible without intimacy. I think it is very
important that there is trust in marriage. Trust can be broken, but it can be
healed.  Some people believe in polygamy, I don’t. I don’t believe in
sharing. It has to do with what works for you as a couple.

Display of public affection
I don’t think I’d do what I see happens in the West where you see people
kissing on the streets. But, yes I can hold my husband, hug him if the
situation calls for it.

Combining my duty as a mother, wife
and an actress
One, I have had very good role models. I think that’s a key and my first role
model was my mum. She was married to the same person all her life, until my
father died. That’s over 40 something years of marriage they had.

One of the things I learnt is to
make time for the family, you career cannot supersede the family. The family
always comes  first in everything I’m doing. There is what is called
prioritising, what needs attention at a particular point. Is it work, family or
your husband. They rarely do need attention at the same time, thank God, so you
give attention to whatever needs attention at whatever point in time.

There’s one thing I learnt from my mum which is to always
have very good back up; your house helps and family members, especially when
the children are very young and you are a working class lady. I also learnt
that changing house helps is not the best thing to do. 

When someone becomes
your house help, she automatically becomes part of your family. Their problems
become yours as well.

You operate as one family, that’s
the way I’ve been brought up. And because of that, you are able to function
well as a family. My house help has been with us for over 14 years now. I used
to have challenges with my drivers, I kept changing them. I had to go to God in
prayer asking for a a good driver and the present one has been with us for over
five years.

What is it you don’t like about your
husband
Of course, we get mad at each other ten times a day.( Laughs). Earlier in our
marriage, when we used to snap at each other, it led to sulking on both sides
for hours.But now, there is nothing like that any more. We can get mad at each
other and the next two minutes we are laughing and talking to each other. If we
quarrel and it lasts for a couple of hours, it’s because we want to drive a
point home.

There is a beautiful way an actress
put it. She said, and I quote, “Within the marriage, there are lots of weddings
and divorces,  but what is important is that the weddings should be more
than the divorces and then you have a successful marriage.”

If you are to advise young couples,
what would you tell them?
Olu: First of all, young people must try as much as possible to avoid too many
so-called good friends who always have advice for you. Try and be careful with
them. You may listen to them, but weigh whatever they give you. Not all your
so-called good friends wish you well. Quite a lot of them want to take over
your position. Pray for contentment.

Pray to meet, have and keep your
friend. You need the wisdom to see and recognise a friend. Always think for two
( you and your wife). You and your wife first, others can come in later. Even
your parents will tell you, “This is your wife, take care of her”.